Seven Years

It's been seven years - seven years since I was diagnosed with Depression. I was a sophomore in high school at the time. But it started a lot earlier than that. Depression runs in the family. My maternal grandmother, Lori, used alcohol to cover up her disease. Unfortunately, Depression and the strangling tentacles of Alcoholism were too much and Lori committed suicide when my mom was only four years old.

My mom, Kathy, has had her fair share of run-ins with Depression as well. I distinctly remember the day it all came to a head for her. I was fairly young - maybe seven years old at the time. Mom was in the kitchen wearing a long green floral print dress. She stood with her hands slammed up against the counter and tears were flooding her face. My dad stood next to her trying to calm her down but she was screaming, wailing in pain though nothing appeared to be physically wrong with her. Moments later, my friend's mother burst through the door and whisked my sister and me away. We were going to stay with her for a few days.

I didn't understand it at the time, but my mom was having her first Panic Attack. After we had left the house, my dad drove mom to the hospital. The nurses left her screaming on a gurney in the middle of the ER hallway. They assumed that my mother was a drug addict experiencing symptoms of withdrawal. After hours of being ignored, a doctor finally realized that something was wrong. Mom was admitted to the hospital and underwent several tests to determine the cause of her anguish. Doctors determined she was having a panic attack triggered by underlying Depression. She was sent home a few days later with a prescription for Paxil (a common antidepressant). My mom's condition improved dramatically after her diagnosis and treatment.

Then it was my turn. I had never really loved myself. There was always a twinge of self-doubt and anger in my mind, but it was always manageable. About ten years after mom's diagnosis, I began to feel increasing amounts of self-loathing. I thought about suicide a few times, but never had a plan and would never have been brave enough to carry anything out. When I confided in mom about my feelings, she was very supportive and took me to see my doctor. The doctor diagnosed me with severe Depression and I was started on a low dose of Zoloft. I began to feel better quite quickly after starting Zoloft. The loathing disappeared and I was happy for a period of time. It didn't last.

The last seven years have been packed with ups and downs. I have experienced the death of multiple close family members. I have had my heart broken more times than I wish to think about it. I have succeeded and failed in numerous weight loss attempts. I have made friends I will keep forever and painfully ended several toxic friendships. I earned a degree in Biology for Elon University and began my career with an amazing Bio-pharmaceutical company. And just a year ago I met the love my life, Brien, on Tinder of all places. We are now engaged to be married in Fall 2016. It's been nothing short of a whirlwind adventure thus far.

Despite the exciting accomplishments and seemingly happy life, there is always a little piece of me that wants nothing more than to curl up in my bed and sleep my life away. I know that's the Depression talking. And I'm tired of letting it win. I'm tired of allowing this disease to control my life. There's so much to do in this world - so much to see and experience. I don't want to sleep away the one life I've been given. Though I've continued taking medication for Depression and Anxiety, I feel that something else needs to be done. I'm surviving. I'm existing. But I want to live. I want to love harder. I want to explore. I want to feel intense joy. And a pill isn't going to make that happen. It's going to take some work on my part.

Step one was getting my lazy ass off of the couch. Brien and I have been more active in the last few months. In June we went to the Carowinds theme park. In August we had a beach weekend on the Outerbanks of North Carolina. Just a few days ago we went camping and fishing at Badin Lake. Trips like these are essentially forcing my out of my comfort zone so I can experience what life has to offer me. It's been a lot of fun and we plan to continue our adventures as our schedules allow.

Step two is going to be a lot harder. In order to boost my energy levels and self-confidence, I need to make a serious life style change. Ashley, my best friend form college, has convinced my to tackle this mountain with her. Today I will receive my box from Isagenix and tomorrow I will be starting the next phase of my weight-loss journey. I'm doing this for my health, my mental state, my body image, my sex life, my wedding, my family, my future children, and my desire to see the world. I am finally ready to destroy my Depression and live the life I want. It all begins here.

Wish me luck,
Miss Melissa